I graduated high school five months ago. I should be in college right now. I should be spending my time studying lessons I can’t completely comprehend and I should be stressing out about how I don’t want to take some midterm exam because I’m afraid to fail.
Well, I’m not. I have been an out of school youth for five months now and here’s why:
When I was fourteen, I thought that I knew exactly what I was going to be. I told myself that I want to become a fashion photographer. That has been my goal ever since, but even though I was already set on a career path, I did not know where to fulfill that dream. Unfortunately, the only college that offered photography as a course was too far from home and didn’t meet the standards of my parents.
Studying photography from a computer at home was quite interesting. You’re completely independent and responsible for your school work; and no one can really help you. It was ultimately a struggle. I wasn’t happy with what I was doing. Everything seemed like a chore rather than a new learning experience and I didn’t want that to happen with something I love doing. I felt the need to drop out, so I did.
Lack of satisfaction wasn’t the only reason why I dropped out. I felt confusion towards what I really want to do and who I want to become. I don’t know if what I decided on three years ago is what I want to pursue now. I still love photography, but I’m not sure whether or not it’s the right path for me. I thought I had it all planned out, but in reality I still don’t. I think I was just convincing myself too much that I should go after this dream of mine and so eventually I grew tired of it. I feel like I want to do something more, but I don’t know what that something is yet.
The future is scary, and for someone who’s undecided about everything like myself, it is beyond terrifying, but I’m quite alright with that. No one knows what will happen in the next few months or years. Even if we plan things ahead, everything is still uncertain so it’s perfectly okay to not know what to do with your future.
When you’re in this position, it’s inevitable to make mistakes. You will face a great amount of struggle and you will deal with problems that involve self-realization. It will be difficult, but that’s just how it is. I think of it as the universe’s way of telling me that I should experience more things before I decide on where I want my life to go. A good friend of mind once said, “You have to go through these things so that you can have a better perspective when you’re dealing with what you want and who you are”, and she’s right.
You have to fuck up before you make the right decisions.
- Reign Gonzales
photo sources: 1 2 3