"Did you hear about this theory on character X and character Y?"
"Have you reached this chapter yet? Please read faster already!!"
"No one here likes this series as much as I do."
"This fanfic just stabbed me in the eyes because I am crying so much right now."
Eventually my eyes would automatically recognize her icon and I would take into account what she posted. She liked cats a lot. She reblogged a lot of funny posts too, especially ones with Obama in it. Her favorite TV shows were Korean telenovelas. Our messages had expanded from that series and into actual normal conversations. There was a time on Tumblr where it "ate" our messages.
Due to this problem, I asked, "Hey, you wanna message on Facebook?"
She replied, "Alright. Just don't make fun of my profile picture. I haven't changed it in years."
She was adorable in her picture. Don't blame me if I stalked her to the birth of her account because you would do the same. Her Tumblr had showed me what kind of person she is on the inside but it was eye-opening to see how she was on the outside. Her icon picture on Tumblr was my default picture of her. Yet as I started to delve into her profile I started to see how long her hair actually was and how brown her eyes were. Her button nose. Her small lips. Her amazing eyebrows. There was no need to ask, "How was your day?" because she would launch immediately into her story.
We wouldn't stop messaging each other. She was there for my deepest depression and consoled me with the silliest replies. She further built my confidence by reminding me how great I was. I returned the favor. Conversations never ended. Days didn't feel like days to me. Time slipped from my fingers so quickly. I was really concerned about my ass that time because I was sitting too long on the computer. I switched to mobile when I was about to go to sleep. But I fought my drowsiness with all my might so that I could be with her to console with the loss of her pet cat. It was funny because I had to ask her once if I was dreaming when we had a certain conversation. She laughed at me and said yes, we did. But I swear, Facebook messages would appear in my dreams.
I found it really hard that my memory couldn't retain words that I read through a screen. I would forget things she revealed to me. She would get mad at me about that, but it wasn't all my fault. This is why I can't say when I fell in love with her. But I remember the times where I wish I could just book the next plane ticket to her place just to see a glimpse of her in real life. We weren't that far apart to begin with. We lived in the same country but the means of transportation involved crossing water. She couldn't afford to go to the capital where I lived. And I was alright with that. Back then, Viber or Whatsapp hadn't existed yet so I was thankful that at least we could text each other. We wouldn't Skype or call because she was so shy. I hated her for that.
I heard her get hurt by the people in her home but she didn't realize how much it hurt me when I couldn't be there for her. I longed for the day we could exchange sharp gasps once we laid eyes on each other, realizing the distance between us has finally disappeared; where I could touch her, someone I believed was practically intangible; where I could hear your voice and repeat it over and over in my head so that I could never forget how it sounds; and where I could memorize every inch of your body and burn a map of it in my mind.
And she felt the same, she told me after so many months after I have gotten over her. But she never spoke up. I never spoke up. What we had back then was amazing and both of us were so scared from ruining it with deeper feelings. Because I knew how hard it would be to have a relationship that only existed through a screen. I already felt so sad having a crush on her, what more if I saw her feel the same thing? I regret it though. I wanted, and I still do, to know what would happen if we just both admitted to each other what we felt. I wonder if we could prove wrong about online relationships.